All vegetarian parents sooner or later have to deal with issues of snacks, ethics, and nutrition education, with a non-vegetarian day care provider or teacher. Even if you experience little or no success with them on vegetarian issues, you can rest assured that the end of the professional relationship also marks the end of the time your child has to spend in that situation.
When dealing with immediate, extended, and blended family members, however, discussing a preference to raise your child vegetarian becomes much more meaningful. These people, in various measures, share in the on-going emotional, intellectual, spiritual, financial, and physical investment in your child's life. Food intake issues must be resolved specifically with any significant non-vegetarian caregiver in your child's life, including grandparents and stepparents.
Here are some points on dealing compassionately with non-vegetarian caregivers:
¨ Observe the rules of healthy communication, and be honest in stating your concerns. Don't ever exaggerate facts, or you will lose credibility in the long haul, especially with your child. Shaming or lecturing the caregiver are examples of roadblocks to your desired endpoint. Avoid monopolizing the conversation or allowing it to get too far off the main topic. If the caregiver becomes hostile, drop the conversation until a later time and consider involving an intermediary.
¨ Be clear on why you are vegetarian yourself. Which principles factor in to your commitment? Environmentalism, religious guidelines, animal welfare, appearance, prevention of human starvation, athletic performance, weight control, disease prevention or management, spiritual stewardship, morality in economics? Compassionate and respectful treatment of others is, by definition, relevant to any angle of vegetarianism.
¨ Make the welfare of the child your first order of business. Take the time to specifically plan for the child's needs, regardless of the circumstances of the adults involved. Avoid an emotional and dramatic battleground. Make certain that your opinions on a healthy vegetarian diet for infants, children, or teens are consistent with solid research and experience or recommendations from nutritional experts, such as those listed later in the article.
¨ Continue to be open to new information on nutrition. As we all generate interests, and the scientific community generates research results, we learn to fine-tune our understanding of nutrient needs. Tidbits of information add up to an enhancement of our nutritional understanding, and there's always more to information to come.
¨ Try to memorize a few related facts or resources that are comfortable for you to use, so that you are prepared for questions. Focusing on health issues seems to be one of the easier angles to take when explaining childhood vegetarianism to others. For example, feeding your child vegetarian in an effort to avoid allergens, environmental pollutants, obesity, later breast cancer, or diabetes are usually very easy concepts for an NC to swallow. Armed with a few good books or the American Dietetic Association's position paper, Nutrition Management of the Vegetarian Child, you can generally make quick headway toward support of your decision.
¨ If your decision to raise your child vegetarian is largely due to religious guidelines, consider asking for support from your spiritual leaders (Elder, Rabbi, Priest, Nun, Monk, Minister, etc.). S/he may be able to provide materials on loan or conduct a meeting with you and the caregiver to reach a working resolution on your child's dietary intake. The Jewish Vegetarians of North America, and the Christian Vegetarian Association are both excellent resources for the links between religion and vegetarianism.
¨ If your decision is due to other reasons, seek reputable resources from relevant organizations. The American Vegan Society, Greenpeace, Farm Sanctuary, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, Farm Animal Reform Movement, and Vegan Outreach are good examples of groups with a plethora of available materials.
¨ When dealing with co-parents or other adult caregivers, consider a meeting without the child present to design agreement on any major issue. Specifically, we are talking about the overall definition of a healthy diet for your child. Compromises will be inevitable. The goal of this meeting is to find a couple of mutually acceptable plans to be later presented to the child for his/her input where appropriate, and final agreement. This agreement then stands - in BOTH homes for the sake of a healthy routine and everyone's sanity - until change is mutually agreed upon. Remember, the child's self-worth is diminished every time s/he feels like a piece of property or a burden. Incredibly often, children mistakenly believe they are the sole reason for adult strife and misery or marital discord.
¨ Consider hiring a professional counselor with training in family conflict resolution, and make an investment in the process. A healthier working relationship with your child's other caregivers results in a happier child, better role-modeling, and a healthier you. Iit's worth the investment.
¨ If your child actually becomes ill immediately or soon thereafter, as a result of eating an offensive food while in the care of the caregiver (i.e. allergy, constipation, diarrhea, irritability, rash, enuresis, etc.), consider involving a knowledgeable physician for more formal guidelines. If you have a trusted physician or allergist that is not vegetarian, get him or her in touch with the nutritional experts like the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine, Dr. John McDougall, Dr. Joel Fuhrman, Dr. Michael Klaper, Dr. Thomas Barnard, or someone of similar experiential background.
¨ In cases where agreement to feed the child similarly in both homes is not met, do not discuss the issue in front of the child. The child should not be made to feel like s/he must 'tattle' on the caregiver, or consider lying to the vegetarian parent to avoid conflict. I argue that this family dynamic is largely responsible for the creation of adolescent and adult liars. Lying is not consistent with any philosophical reason for being vegetarian.
¨ Most children over the age of two will have feelings on vegetarian issues. Their feelings may be relatively simple or complex, and may range from basic agreement with you all the way to complete opposition. Keep in mind that you do not have to agree, but you do need to respect a child's right to his/her own opinion. When you role model respect for opinions, you keep minds open. If your child keeps an open mind, s/he will be more likely to see the facts and naturally gravitate toward vegetarian principles as s/he matures into adolescence and adulthood.
¨ Parents and other significant caregivers should offer constant reassurance to children, that they: a) will always be loved, b) will always be protected, c) are not responsible for adult relationship problems or marital discord, d) are not responsible for solving problems between adults.
When you talk to others about vegetarianism, your son or daughter will learn about problems. When you treat others with compassion, your son or daughter will learn about solutions.
--Dr. Kerrie Saunders has a regular column in Vegetarian Baby and Child magazine entitled "Seeds of Change." She is a Master's level psychologist, a Certified Addictions Counselor, a Certified Prevention Consultant, wife, and mother. You can access her multi-media presentation and consultation firm, VeganSpeak, and find her book, The Vegan Diet as Chronic Disease Prevention, and at http://www.VeganSpeak.com.
