I have a bit of a confession to make. I used to fake being a vegetarian. This is not to say that I used to sneak around devouring meat on the sly; I was probably as diligent as the real vegetarians in my avoidance of animal-based food. It is just that I wasn't really a vegetarian, because I never bothered to find out what ideas went with it. Perhaps I should explain myself a little better, and hopefully show other dads and partners out there how being a big fat liar, at least to start with, is actually all about being a better role model.
The lying started on my first night of married life. Whilst busily gulping down the last bits of a chicken dinner in the hotel we were staying I declared, much to my vegetarian wife's surprise, that this was the last meat that I would eat. You could be forgiven for thinking that I am a pretty romantic guy. Impulsive and lazy are probably a little more accurate. You see, I do the vast majority of the cooking in our household. The prospect of endlessly turning out two totally different meals for the rest of my days was not particularly appealing. Converting my wife, Lyndal, to meat-eating seemed like a bit of an uphill battle, so a spontaneous conversion to vegetarianism seemed to be the path of least resistance. In my defense, lest I appear entirely mercenary, I would also point out that vegetarianism had a vague sort of moral "glow" about it, in the same way that not drinking or swearing does. These were good things that other people did, and now I had an excuse to occupy a small patch of the moral high ground (and continue my drinking and swearing).
The problem is, I was clueless, and this is where the lying and faking comes in. The ramifications of my honeymoon gesture completely escaped me. Real vegetarians know what they are on about. They know why they don't eat meat, what they eat, and importantly, they know what to say when the 140th moron for the day (I am sure they mean well!) asks you where your protein is coming from. I knew none of these things. In that sense, I was a fake, simply eating and cooking vegetarian food without exactly knowing why. Luckily for me, Lyndal is patient, and she gradually introduced me to all of the information and ideas that have allowed me to stop faking it and be a proper card-carrying vegetarian. Now I am a fake vegan, but that is another story for another time.
So what use is my coming out in this way? Well, one of the things I have noticed while reading vegetarian magazines is that there seems to be a large number of blokes (a lovely Australian slang term for those of us who enjoy beer and sport and also happen to be male) out there who still eat meat while their partners and children heroically maintain a vegetarian lifestyle. This is quite obviously a cause of stress and paradox, particularly for the children, who are presented with two radically different role models. My answer to this problem - become a big liar just like I was, and in so doing be a better role model. Here are my reasons why.
Reason number one : Consistency.
Mum says that eating cow is cruel and unhealthy, Dad says that steak is a fine thing indeed. Pity the poor child faced with such a dilemma. Let us set aside the moral arguments for the moment and look at what is really going on here. Freedom of choice is an important and valuable thing. However, in the confusing art of bringing up a child, I would argue that consistency is a lot more important. Now I ask you, who has more to lose by giving up their dietary choice in order to achieve this consistency? The vegetarian for whom eating meat is likely to cause real distress and anxiety, or the meat eater for whom eating lentils and tofu is likely to cause little more than a broadening of their gastronomic range?
Reason number two : Being a respectful person, or, whose house is it anyway?
This may be a little controversial, but here goes anyway. Experience has taught me that I am a little unusual in that I do most of the cooking. Rightly or wrongly, I am dabbling in what is still a predominantly female role. Now I ask the meat-eating dads and partners out there this: is it fair to expect someone to have to prepare and cook double the amount of food simply because you have an attachment to the taste of meat? More importantly, it is fairly likely that your loving wife and partner is the one who not only cooks your meals, but also 'keeps house' and all of the myriad tasks that entails. Lets be honest with ourselves here guys, if possession is nine-tenths of the law, then the house belongs to your wife or partner. This fact has been recognised down through the ages, and while we accept that this can be a limitation and a role that cries out to be transcended, it is probably also a fact that for most of us, the woman in our life is the primary caregiver. Honour this role. Be respectful of the sacrifice that it entails. In almost any other situation that I can imagine, it would be simple courteous behaviour to abide by the dietary and behavioural rules of those whom you are visiting. All that I am asking is that you extend this politeness and respect to those that you live with. In the home of a Jewish person you could expect to eat kosher food, in that of a Moslem - halal, and you would probably consider yourself fortunate to be sharing in the experience. Just extend this logic to your own home.
Reason number three : Teach your children well.
Most of us want our kids to grow up as nice people. We want them to be peaceful, generous, happy folk. We would all tell our children not to cause unnecessary harm or suffering if it is possible. Even for my staunchly meat-eating fisherman father, catching either myself or my brothers in the occasional act of tormenting some unfortunate insect would result in some fairly fierce punishment. It just was not right to hurt things for no reason. Being supportive of your partner's vegetarianism is in many ways the ultimate extension of this lesson. You are saying to your children, "I can eat meat, I even like eating meat, but I wont because I don't have to". Occasionally giving things up in order to be a good parent is a large part of the job. The rewards easily outweigh the costs.
So there you have it. I am not asking anybody to take on convictions that are not their own, or to rush out and buy the books and T-shirts. I am simply asking you to be a more consistent, and respectful parent, and possibly to make a few sacrifices in order to be a better role model. I appreciate that you may have to fake it to start with, and that you may even sneak in the odd burger while you are at work. But faking it to make others feel better is not the worst thing in the world, if you are in any doubt, just ask you partner - I am sure they have done it for you once or twice.....
-Paul Donehue is currently doing a PhD, studying communes. He is also learning to play an obtuse japanese instrument, called the shakuhachi, and continuing to work towards his black belt in Aikido. Aside from that, he is chef to his wife Lyndal, and daughter Ruby.
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