First, I should say that my daughters are as unique as any other two individuals on our planet, and second, as a vegetarian for the past 12 years, I have not eaten fish. For my sanity, fortunately, I have learned some patience and acceptance when confronted with these questions. The lesson I have learned from answering both of them is the same: individuals are all unique, from our personalities to our diets, and what works for some does not work for others. As Alette and Oonagh's mother, I have had the opportunity to relearn this lesson over and over in the past six years of their lives, for all of our sakes.

Oonagh is the kind of child who will sit at the table enjoying conversation and flavors, discussing the ingredients of a complicated sauce, and appreciating the colors and textures on her plate. Since Oonagh was four she has wanted to be a chef and as a family we have all benefited when she's asked for blenders and cookbooks for her birthday gifts.

Alette, born from the same genetic soup at the same moment in time sits at the same family dinner table and finds eating a chore. She can easily list the foods she likes on her fingers (one hand for drinks, one hand for carbohydrates and vegetables) and the most painful question you can ask her is, "What would you like to eat?" which draws attention to the fact she does not like eating and makes her visibly uncomfortable.

For a vegetarian mother, Oonagh is easy to encourage. Curious eaters win social praise for trying new foods and Oonagh is now articulate enough to explain her willingness to forgo trying meat and to explain her choices. Alette's style of eating seems to be more of a conundrum we share with vegetarian and omnivorous families alike. When a child grows finicky, the family must determine the list of healthy food she will find acceptable. As other veg families have noted on this site, carbohydrates have been our staple. While adults may sneer at serving rice to a growing child two or three times a day, our doctor assures us she is healthy, Alette has found something she relishes, and we have an easy meal that we can tote to our friends' homes, order at Asian and Latino restaurants, and pack in Tupperware for countless school lunches.

We acknowledge she is eating and growing and may move on from this step on her own, but it is incredibly difficult for a six-year-old to defend her eating habits to a larger public. This is where I think she needs emotional support. Strangers who note her rice fetish as some "Atkins-carbohydrate-taboo" barrage her with questions about all the food she hasn't ever tried… like burgers and hotdogs that all kids should like. Well meaning friends will list all the possible vegetables or snacks they have in their house to offer her, giving her time to reject each offer and add to an ever growing list of tainted food. My partner and I defend her choices to others, reiterating that it is possible to live on rice noting she does a number on corn on the cob, and we assert she is in fact a healthy child who knows what she enjoys.

As a vegetarian and as Alette's parent, I feel I must also help her feel good about herself and her choices. When she gets typecast into a role where everyone's questions are answered with a "no" she is constantly repeating a mantra about not liking foods, and she becomes embarrassed. Certainly she compares herself to her sister who seems to fly by these small moments of social interaction with a smile and new treats to try. Once after a very weepy dinner where she left the table hungry and humiliated she once asked me to help her find foods she'd like. I know these confrontations hurt us all, and I must stretch my own diet and ways of preparing and serving food to entice her further.

We defend her when some snide person remarks, "What kind of vegetarian doesn't eat vegetables?!" We help Alette deal with the adult who thinks that her finicky nature would be solved with more choices, including meat. I will speak up for Alette and defend her vegetarian diet pointing out she is definitely healthy and growing strong.

We give her reassurance. Alette is proud to be a vegetarian and strongly identifies with our life choices, so we do not waiver in offering her a diet without meat. We tell her there are many ways to be a vegetarian, and she can always be one even if she doesn't eat every vegetable.

We give her some privacy confronting her fears. If we get her in the kitchen when we are preparing meals she will eagerly mash potatoes, rip up leaves, and cut vegetables, carefully stealing a taste when she thinks no one is watching.

We remind her that tastes change. As a toddler she once loved peas, and now after 18 months, she likes them once more.

We offer new foods when she seems content. I serve her a small portion of something I particularly like and ask her to try just a bite on her plate. With my endorsement, and small quiet offer, she has found a way to connect with me again, and prove herself willing to experiment a bit.

The issue of Alette's eating is a daily presence in our lives, but we have learned that drawing attention to her diet only exacerbates comparisons between our two daughters and digs them further into established patterns. My partner and I do not possess infinite patience, and Alette is still a creature of habit, but bit by bit, we are presenting more options and bit by bit new things appear on her menu.

--Linda Kligman and her family live on Shetland, an island in the North Sea. She's now expecting her third veggie kid. Be sure to read Linda's story when her twins were babies, Preemies to Perfection.